Self-Doubt and Low Self-Esteem
Not sure if you’re all that sexy and attractive? Do you constantly need approval from others? Are you never sure that you are good enough?
These are all examples of a situation where there’s a hole that needs to be filled. The fact that you’re insecure, unsure, feeling inadequate or confused isn’t the problem. It becomes a problem when you depend on others to make you feel better about yourself.
Just A Little Reassurance
What’s the big deal with asking for a little reassurance? Well, nothing. If that’s all it is.
We all need a little reassurance from time to time. Constantly asking for reassurance from someone, or needing their approval, is what is the big deal. Here’s why depending on others for self-esteem is a losing proposition:
1. The reassurance only lasts a little while.
Like a drug you will become addicted to, you are going to need more and more to keep feeling “okay.” You’ll immediately feel better when someone tells you you’re hot, or smart, or really not a bad person, but the effect won’t last very long. If it lasts at all.
2. You won’t really believe what they’re saying.
Because you know all your real underlying faults, weaknesses, and failures you will never really give anyone else the status of “expert” on yourself… not that you should. But their word isn’t final, and you’ll question their ability to know and be able to make informed comments about the “real you.”
3. It won’t really solve the real problem.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself, insecure, or unworthy… asking for reassurance from others is really like asking someone else to fill the hole that only you can fill. Self-esteem is YOUR job. No one else can do it, but you.
Fill Your Own Hole
There’s an old saying in the field that “Self-esteem is an inside job.” And that job is filling your own hole.
You can try to get others to shovel dirt into that hole, but it just doesn’t seem to do the job. Maybe the dirt just settles, leaving the hole a little shallower, but still there. The hole is still there. The need to feel better is still there.
You Are the Only Person
You are the only person who can truly make yourself feel that you are worthy of love, of health, of success.
You are the only person who can truly make it okay for you to accept compliments, believe in yourself, take healthy risks, enjoy hard-earned accomplishments, and feel you are attractive, lovable, sexy, wonderful to know, and enjoyable to be with.
Compliments and reassurances from others will only fill that hole a little bit… the rest of the hard work of shoveling is up to you.
Once that hole is filled, you can stand on top of that packed dirt, strong and proud, and feeling like you’re on top of the world.
Because you’ll certainly be on top of yours! 🙂
Dr. Anita Sanz, PhD, Psychologist
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