{"id":2829,"date":"2023-05-10T15:30:34","date_gmt":"2023-05-10T15:30:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/anitasanz.com\/?p=2829"},"modified":"2025-04-09T23:42:48","modified_gmt":"2025-04-09T23:42:48","slug":"im-tired-of-being-a-survivor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/anitasanz.com\/wp-dev\/im-tired-of-being-a-survivor\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m Tired of Being a Survivor"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Have you survived something very difficult in your life? A tough childhood? A major trauma? An abusive marriage?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It takes a lot to go through the steps of naming your pain<\/a> and feeling your pain and moving from being a victim of something very traumatic or painful to being a survivor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just Surviving Is No Fun<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The past is the past. You were a victim in the past. You are not a victim now. You are a survivor. And that is something to be proud of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it\u2019s no fun just surviving, either. You\u2019re setting the bar too low if survival is the only thing you\u2019re aiming for once you are out of the situation you have already survived. To move past being a survivor, you need to thrive! And to thrive, you need a whole different set of skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Survival Coping Skills<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The coping skills you learned to help you to survive in chaotic or traumatic times are not going to help you to be happy and healthy now that you are no longer in that situation. In fact, survival coping skills will often cause more problems now than they can solve. Being hypervigilant, always anticipating danger and disaster, recreating chaos because it is familiar, not trusting others, keeping yourself closed off and invulnerable to being harmed by others, not taking risks, not trying anything new, always doing things in extremes\u2026 these are some examples of survival coping skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thriving Skills<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

There is an entirely different set of skills required to be happy and healthy once the priority is no longer that you just be able to survive. Being able to relax, trust other people, be open to learning and trying new things, being able to let go of the past and not worry about the future, finding peace and balance in the middle, and being able to be vulnerable and open with others are some examples of thriving skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You Want to Be Here Now!<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
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One of the keys to thriving involves mindful awareness. (See: UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being able to truly be present and live today is the last step in healing from something bad that happened to you in the past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can leave the past in the past if you are here now and enjoying being in the present. But being in the present is not comfortable or \u201callowed\u201d if you are still just trying to survive. You have to continue to anticipate bad things that could happen, using your knowledge of the past. Survival coping skills that keep you safe from harm do not work if the goal is to thrive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learning A New Way of Being<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

How do you begin to learn thriving skills? As in most things, practice makes (almost) perfect, and the goal is to be comfortable with imperfection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You must learn to stop \u201call or nothing\u201d thinking, adopt an optimistic way of perceiving yourself and the world, become willing to take risks to learn and try new things, and become willing to open yourself to others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It isn\u2019t easy. In fact, it will feel (to a survivor) that you are doing the \u201cwrong\u201d thing when you first practice a thriving skill, because you are making yourself vulnerable to harm, according to your survival be-on-alert way of going through the world. It can be so difficult to change this that I recommend you work with a seasoned therapist who knows how to help and support you, gently challenge and encourage you as you learn these new thriving skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bibliotherapy and Online Resources<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

There are many excellent resources that you can explore online and by reading that will point you in the direction toward learning these new thriving skills, which include positive psychology, meditation, cognitive therapy, and recovery from trauma. Here are a few resources to get you started:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Acceptance and Commitment Therapy<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Using the new Positive Psychology<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Self Healing Benefits of Meditation<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Slowing Down to the Speed of Life<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Trauma and Recovery<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Transformation Soup<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014Woman\u2019s Comfort Book<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014A Path with Heart<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014A Year to Change<\/a> (by yours truly!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember that learning thriving skills will be one of the most life-altering positive changes you can make. It isn\u2019t easy but is worth it for you mentally, emotionally, and it will even have physical and medical health benefits. Consider whether it is time for you to do more in your life than just survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You truly deserve to thrive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Dr<\/em>.\u00a0Anita Sanz<\/em>, PhD, Psychologist<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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