{"id":1969,"date":"2023-04-18T15:34:11","date_gmt":"2023-04-18T15:34:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/anitasanz.com\/?p=1969"},"modified":"2024-09-02T23:54:20","modified_gmt":"2024-09-02T23:54:20","slug":"how-steady-is-your-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/anitasanz.com\/wp-dev\/how-steady-is-your-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"How Steady Is Your Relationship?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

COMFY?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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How Stable is Your Relationship?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Take your typical 4-legged wooden stool. It\u2019s nice and stable\u2026if it\u2019s got all 4 legs. You can probably even manage with 3 solid ones. But fewer than 3 and there\u2019s instability\u2026you don\u2019t want to sit on a 2-legged stool. Although I\u2019ve heard that employees of nuclear power plants sometimes sit on 1-legged stools. It\u2019s impossible to sleep on a 1-legged stool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The 4 \u201cLegs\u201d of Your Relationship<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

And you probably won\u2019t get much good sleep if your relationship is balancing on one leg, either. There are 4 \u201clegs\u201d to your relationship: attraction, respect, communication, and trust. Being physically attracted to your partner, and having a certain amount of chemistry is a \u201cnecessary, but not sufficient\u201d factor for a good relationship.  Attraction won\u2019t guarantee a relationship\u2026but it\u2019s hard if not impossible to maintain a relationship without attraction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re not physically attracted to your partner, then do something about it.  No, the answer is not to leave them\u2026it\u2019s to tell them: here\u2019s why<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Leg of Respect<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

So let\u2019s say you\u2019re not completely repelled by your partner\u2026a very good thing\u2026but not enough! You\u2019ve got to be able to respect them and feel respected by them.  Without this \u201cleg\u201d, you\u2019re going to have feelings of resentment, or that you are\u201d settling\u201d for someone not good enough for you. To be able to show someone respect and feel respect coming toward you, you need the\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Leg of Communication<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You and your partner have to be able to communicate your real and authentic thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and don\u2019t-needs and don\u2019t-wants to each other on an ongoing (yes, daily) basis. Without this \u201cleg,\u201d your relationship destabilizes. There is no way to know what\u2019s going on with your partner, no way to resolve conflict and work toward compromises, no way to feel you truly know one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And you\u2019ll never really be able to get that last leg\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Leg of Trust<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You have to know your partner well enough and long enough and have weathered just enough crises together to know that they are trustworthy, their words match their deeds, and they can be counted upon and relied on. You need to know they will share anything with you that matters to them, that is relevant to the relationship and its health, and that they are not withholding this information out of fear of your judgment or fear of your reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An Unsteady Stool<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

No one wants to sit on a stool that you have to constantly adjust and try to sit on \u201cjust right\u201d so it won\u2019t topple over. And no one really enjoys being in a relationship where there is a lack of respect, communication, or trust. You might be able to stay in it, but it\u2019s going to be unsteady and uncertain and require a lot of work. There\u2019s no ability to relax, knowing you can take a load off and know there will be stability and security for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Secure Relationship<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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With all the legs under you, you can do this. There aren\u2019t stressors or strains on the relationship that cannot be managed if you and your partner approach it as a team<\/a>, with mutual respect for each other, trusting that you will get through it together, and sharing with each other the whole time.  That\u2019s the opposite of lonely, confused, overwhelmed, and disconnected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If one or more of your relationship \u201clegs\u201d is a little shaky or missing, take the time to work on it. And don\u2019t be afraid to get it to the shop if necessary!  \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Dr<\/em>.\u00a0Anita Sanz<\/em>, PhD, Psychologist<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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