{"id":1237,"date":"2023-04-09T16:31:13","date_gmt":"2023-04-09T16:31:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/anitasanz.com\/?p=1237"},"modified":"2024-09-02T23:19:18","modified_gmt":"2024-09-02T23:19:18","slug":"stop-kicking-the-turtle-or-how-to-let-yourself-grieve","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/anitasanz.com\/wp-dev\/stop-kicking-the-turtle-or-how-to-let-yourself-grieve\/","title":{"rendered":"Stop Kicking the Turtle! Or How to Let Yourself Grieve"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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If you\u2019ve ever suffered an important loss in your life\u2026whether it was the loss of a loved one, a beloved pet, or a special dream\u2026then you know what it means to grieve. Mourning a loss is an important process, and it\u2019s one that you cannot just skip because it feels really bad. With grief, there\u2019s no way out but through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s like slogging your way through a really nasty swamp, full of mosquitoes and alligators and muck. (I live in Florida\u2026this is imagery I can relate to). When grieving, you can\u2019t go around the swamp, you don\u2019t want to just stop in the middle of it\u2026it\u2019s best to just put your head down and keep on going until you get out of it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You know you\u2019re grieving when you just don\u2019t care about things the way you used to following a loss.  You don\u2019t look forward to much, even special things like celebrations and the holidays.  You don\u2019t have any motivation to get anything done.  Food doesn\u2019t taste that great anymore.  You don\u2019t want to hang out with your friends or family like you used to.  Everything seems to be such an effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes just getting out of your pajamas and getting to the mailbox to get the mail is a major undertaking. All you want to do some days (maybe most days) is close the blinds, stay in bed, and pull the covers up over your head and cry. If you have to get up and function, you\u2019re drained and tired.  You\u2019re like a turtle who needs to pull within for awhile in order to heal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s Okay to Stop and Get Off the Merry-Go-Round<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
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This is so normal, regardless of whether it feels like the most abnormal \u201cyou\u201d you have ever experienced. If the person, pet, or dream that died meant anything to you, then you shouldn\u2019t be able to just go on with your life as if nothing happened. If you can wake up the next morning and go on like normal, then you\u2019re either in shock, denial, or it\/they didn\u2019t mean that much to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People die everyday.  We don\u2019t grieve.  Unless we were connected to them in some meaningful way. And the more connected we were, the more we need to grieve the loss. Grieving is a way of saying to yourself, and the rest of the world, that something important has just happened and you cannot just go on as if it didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What has happened to you is too important to ignore. It is a way of paying respect to the person, pet, or dream you have had to give up. It is your proverbial \u201cmoment of silence.\u201d  Except that it takes a lot longer than a moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s No Deadline to Finish Your Grieving<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

In our Western (fast-talking, fast-moving) culture, we are not very good about understanding that people don\u2019t just \u201cget over it\u201d and \u201cmove on\u201d in a week, a month, or a year after experiencing a devastating loss. Each person grieves in their own unique way, and it takes as long as it takes. There\u2019s nothing wrong with grieving someone\u2019s death for the rest of your own life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That happens, and it doesn\u2019t mean that it takes away from your being able to live.\u2026it just means that living with that loss and what it means to you is how you are going to do it. I sometimes think in this culture we have the erroneous notion that a few weeks after a funeral, a person is supposed to be able to return to their normal life with a smile on their face. That would certainly make everyone around them feel better.  But it\u2019s not the way grief works.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t Kick The Turtle!<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

When you\u2019re grieving, you need to pull inside yourself and put your energy into mourning. That means remembering, honoring, crying, and grieving the lost loved one or thing.  It\u2019s bewildering to try to figure out how to live your life without that special person in it. You are allowed to be like a turtle, safe inside a protected shell, and you don\u2019t have to come out until you\u2019re ready.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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If you are expecting yourself to feel, look, act, or function like a non-grieving person before you\u2019re ready, it\u2019s like kicking that turtle\u2026it\u2019s not going to make the turtle come out of it\u2019s shell any faster, that\u2019s for sure. It is draining to try to \u201cact normal\u201d when you don\u2019t feel that way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s draining to have to try to smile and function in all those old ways, when all you want to do is curl up and cry yourself to sleep. You\u2019ll come out of the shell faster if you give yourself the time and space to honor the grieving process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Grief is NOT Depression<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

And it is a process\u2026a dynamic, forward-moving process, where the more pain and grief you let yourself feel, the more you heal and move forward. It isn\u2019t like depression, which is like being in a black pit of nothingness where you aren\u2019t moving at all.  It\u2019s numbness, nothingness, void of hope and light. Grieving tends to be less about being numb, and more about feeling the excruciating pain of loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although grief and depression can both look and feel so much alike that it fools a lot of people, they are different things. They are both painful emotionally, in both people want to withdraw from the world, they are fatigued, can\u2019t concentrate, they cry, they\u2019re irritable, and they can\u2019t function the way they can normally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With depression, the treatment is the exact opposite of what you do when you need to grieve:  you kick yourself in the butt! You make yourself accomplish one task\u2026even if that task is just moving from the bed to the couch to sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You don\u2019t give in to the depression<\/a>\u2026you keep giving it small, swift kicks to keep yourself moving, to give your brain some new stimulation, to give yourself some hope that things can change. People who are depressed will usually feel better if they give themselves that kick in the rear-end. People who are grieving, however, will not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well-meaning friends will want a grieving person to \u201cget out\u201d and \u2018have some fun.\u201d This just isn\u2019t possible, and will likely just drain that person\u2019s energy even more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\u2019re kicking a turtle.<\/strong><\/em><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

So, if you are dealing with an important loss that has left you dazed, confused, and not yourself\u2026please be kind to yourself. Stop expecting yourself to do everything the way you always have in the past. Something horrible has happened and it\u2019s okay to feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You need time to get your energy back and get your bearings.  Let yourself pull within and tend to that pain, for as long as you need to. Let yourself mourn that loss in peace. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stop kicking the turtle.<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
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You\u2019ll come out when you\u2019re feeling ready to rejoin the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Dr<\/em>.\u00a0Anita Sanz<\/em>, PhD, Psychologist<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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